Review
We are going through these graded stages, analyzing and working with each of them, point by point. These are different ways of thinking and understanding, different insights and attitudes that, together, act as pathways for reaching the three levels of spiritual goals on the Buddhist path – the initial, intermediate and advanced goals. These are, first of all, to achieve one of the better rebirths, specifically a precious human rebirth, then, to gain liberation from uncontrollably recurring rebirth altogether, and, finally, to attain the enlightened state of a Buddha.
Two Ways of Approaching the Lam-Rim
We have talked about how we can go through these stages in two ways. One way is to do it without knowing what is coming next. In that case, we increase the scope of our motivation wider and wider as we advance through this spiritual training. First, we think beyond this lifetime to future lives. Then, considering how horrible any type of rebirth will be in terms of the sufferings entailed, we think how to get liberated from that. Finally, we think how to liberate and help everybody else who’s in the same situation.
A second way, which I suppose is the one that I have been emphasizing, is, after having already worked through these stages, at least on a superficial level, to go through them again with the ultimate aim of reaching the enlightened state of a Buddha. In this way, we develop each of the earlier stages as stepping-stones, keeping that final goal in mind.
So, in terms of the initial scope, we would think, “If I really want to help others, just doing so in this lifetime is not enough. If I am reborn as a bug or something like that and it’s going to take eons to gain a precious human rebirth again, how can I possibly help others? This would be absolutely awful, so I really have to continue gaining precious human rebirths in order to be able to continue helping others in one way or another.”
In terms of the intermediate scope, we would think, “If I really want to help others, then I really need to overcome the limitations of the usual, uncontrollably recurring type of rebirth and all the factors that come with it and that perpetuate it.” What comes with it? What comes with it are all the karmic impulses that lead to all sorts of difficult situations and to limitations in terms of being a baby, being a senile, old person, getting sick, and all of that, and having all of the mood shifts, going up and down, up and down, and all the disturbing emotions, getting angry with people, getting attached to them, being lazy, not being able to focus, and, basically, grasping at me as being so wonderful or so horrible and you as suffering so horribly and so on and, therefore, making everything into a solid existence. If we do that, how can we really help others? Really, we will have a lot of limitations. So, we want to gain liberation in order to help others.
Ultimately, we think about how we can really know how best to help others. For that, we have to attain the enlightened state of a Buddha. So, on the advanced scope, initially, of course, we have to work on changing our focus from just ourselves to others, but doing that is not enough. We have to gain bodhichitta, which is aiming for enlightenment. Why do we want to gain enlightenment? We want to gain enlightenment because then we’ll really know how to help others; otherwise, we are just going to be groping in the dark, as it were.
So, we are motivated, step by step, in this sort of way.
Initial Scope
We started with the initial scope, looking at the precious human rebirth and appreciating that we are temporarily free from the worst states in which we would be blocked from having any type of spiritual development. Instead, our lives are full with wonderful, enriching factors and opportunities to be able to develop spiritually.
What I wanted to mention, since it’s on my mind very much, was that yesterday, my 99-year-old aunt died of pneumonia. I was very, very close to her. She was quite an incredible woman. Her name was Bell Bernstein. I last spoke with her about a week before she passed away. After that, she was quite incoherent. But the last time that I spoke with her, she was in the hospital with pneumonia. What she said was that “in whatever short amount of time I have left, I’d like to do something meaningful and useful with my life.” I found that unbelievably inspiring. So, in terms of the type of attitude that we need to have about a precious human rebirth, this, I think, exemplifies it very much. So, to fulfill her wish to do something meaningful and useful, I convey that story because I find it very inspiring, and perhaps it can be inspiring to others as well.
Here was a woman who was very much involved with helping others as much as she could during her lifetime, and even on her deathbed, she still had that strong wish to be able to do something that would be meaningful and of benefit to others. So, this is the type of attitude that we should have, that we need to have, about this precious human rebirth – that no matter how much time we have left, we want to use it, to use it well, to use it meaningfully.
We saw that the causes for attaining a precious human rebirth are ethical discipline, which primarily means to refrain from destructive behavior, and the far-reaching attitudes, namely, being generous, patient, disciplined, having perseverance, concentration, and discriminating awareness. We also, of course, need to make prayers; we have to wish or want to achieve precious human rebirths so that, in a sense, our mental continuums “go” in that direction. We saw that it is very, very rare to have a precious human rebirth. It’s much rarer than just having a human rebirth. Most humans are not interested in spiritual development or even consider the possibility of spiritual development.
We also saw that this precious human rebirth will end. That’s for sure. We never know when it’s going to end; death can come at any time. The only things that will be of any help are the beneficial habits that we’ve built up on our mental continuums in terms of the Dharma. “Preventive measures” is what Dharma means. It means doing something that will prevent things from getting worse or having any sort of problems. This means our Buddhist, spiritual type of practice, although, obviously, being kind, loving and so on, even without knowing specifically about Buddhism, is also of great benefit, as in the case of my aunt. That’s the only thing that will be of comfort or help: knowing that we have built up some beneficial habits that can lead us to better and better futures after we die.
We saw that if we haven’t taken these preventative measures or haven’t done it in sufficient amount, we could anticipate having one of the worst types of rebirth. We looked at the sufferings and shortcomings of those. In Buddhism, we speak about many different realms of beings where our mental continuums would experience much more suffering than we have now, both on a physical and mental level. So, we looked at the trapped beings in the joyless realms, the so-called hell realms. We looked at what it would be like to be a clutching ghost, a spirit that’s always frustrated, never able to get food or drink or anything that it wants – these so-called hungry ghosts. And we looked at what it would be like to be an animal, being hunted, not just by humans but by all sorts of larger animals, and not being able to do very much for ourselves.
Then we saw that there is a way to avoid this, being fearful in a healthy manner of this type of future. “Healthy manner” means that we really don’t want this but that we also don’t feel helpless or hopeless because we see that there is a way to avoid it.
Then we look at the Three Jewels of Refuge and try to put that safe direction in our lives. Of these three Jewels, the main one is the Dharma. The Buddha said, “Let the Dharma be your guide after I pass away.” Dharma, here, refers not only to the teachings, which is Dharma on a relative level, but also, on a deeper level, to the attainments from the teachings. These are basically the true stoppings of all our obscurations – karma, disturbing emotions, ignorance, or unawareness, and so on – and the true pathways of mind, the understandings that will bring the true stoppings and that will result from them.
These true stoppings and pathway minds have to occur on the mental continuum of someone. They occur in full on the mental continuums of the Buddhas. They are the ones who reveal, or show, this not only in their teachings but also in their very way of being; therefore, there is the Buddha refuge. Then there is the Sangha, which refers to the Arya Sangha, the highly realized beings who have attained these true stoppings and true pathway minds in part. They show us the way as well.
We saw that, initially, to go in this direction, the main thing that we have to do is to avoid the primary cause for worse rebirths, which is destructive behavior. This means that when the impulse or the feeling of wanting to act in a destructive manner comes up, we use discrimination to see that this would be harmful not just to others (we never know whether it’s going to be harmful to others or not; we can’t tell what the results of our behavior will be) but to us. In other words, we see that it would be self-destructive.
Having discriminated in that way, we then use self-discipline, ethical self-discipline, which basically means we hold back; we restrain ourselves from acting in this manner. We need to do so with perseverance, joyful perseverance, which means that we endure, we don’t give up doing that, and we take joy in doing that because we see that this is going to be beneficial to us, that it’s going to help us. This is very important.
We need to be patient as well, patient in terms of the difficulties involved because sometimes we want to act in a destructive manner, like swatting that mosquito, to use a classic example. It might be much more trouble to set up a mosquito net or to catch the mosquito without killing it – which is not so easy – and expelling it from the room. But we need to be patient and not just take an instant course of action.
And of course, we need to be generous, generous in the sense of sparing the life of this being who was perhaps our mother in a previous lifetime. So, in practicing any of the levels of lam-rim path, we can always apply the six far-reaching attitudes. And obviously, concentration needs to be there as well. We need concentration even to be aware that we feel like doing something destructive so that we can catch ourselves before we actually do it.
Then we have all the teachings on karma. We went through that in quite a lot of detail.
Intermediate Scope
On the intermediate level, we look at what our situations would be like even if we attain better rebirths. We have taken some measures to avoid worse rebirths, but obviously, we are not going to be able to avoid them completely until we attain a very, very advanced stage. So, we shouldn’t be naive about that. We won’t be able to avoid them completely until we have attained a combination of shamatha and vipashyana, which is a stilled and settled mind, accompanied by an exhilarating feeling, together with an exceptionally perceptive state of mind that is focused on the four noble truths – namely, true suffering, true causes of suffering, true stopping of suffering, and true pathway of mind, which is the true understanding of voidness, etc. that will bring that stopping about. We not only need to be able have that total concentration with that combined shamatha and vipashyana state of mind for four hours straight and without any problem, we also need to have it in our dreams. When we reach that state, then we can be sure that we are not going to have worse rebirths. That’s the third of the four stages of the so-called path of preparation, the applying pathway of mind, in which we apply combined shamatha and vipashyana in a conceptual type of way.
In any case, refraining from destructive behavior can give us a temporary respite from worse rebirths, but it’s only the beginning. However, it’s a very, very important, a necessary beginning. It’s something that we certainly need to continue to do if we want to benefit anybody because by acting in self-destructive ways, we diminish our capacity to help others. And we might harm them as well. And although we want to achieve these better states, particularly precious human rebirths, to use as stepping-stones, nevertheless, it’s important that we not get attached to them.
As we have discussed in detail, if we have become liberated beings and we want to continue helping others, we could continue doing it in a pure land or we could continue doing it with precious human rebirths. Although Buddhas can help others in the form of a bridge, an animal or whatever, on a more practical level, helping others would, for us, be as human beings. So, we want to continue with precious human rebirths, but in a liberated state, one in which we are not experiencing any types of suffering and being at the mercy of the winds of karma, which just blow us here and there, and having all sorts of things happening to us that we don’t want.
Suffering of Humans (Continued)
We’ve looked at the general sufferings or shortcomings of samsara, and now we are looking at the shortcomings of a human rebirth. We have gone through the sufferings of birth, old age, sickness and death. Last time, we spoke about the sufferings of being parted from what we like.
Suffering of Meeting with What We Do Not Like
The next suffering is the suffering of meeting with what we do not like. I think this is quite similar to the suffering of being parted from what we do like. It’s just the reverse of it. What we discussed last time is why we like certain things. The same analysis applies to why we do not like certain things. What are the things we don’t like, and why don’t we like them? Why do we suffer? Why are we unhappy when these things happen?
Participant: It’s like what we said before: the reason doesn’t depend on whether the thing we do or don’t like is good or bad for us. For example, we can suffer from being parted from a drug that we’re addicted to. It’s good for us that we don’t have it, but we suffer because we don’t have it.
Dr. Berzin: What we like could either be good for us or bad for us. We could also be parted from our spiritual teacher. Being with a spiritual teacher would be very beneficial, but we would suffer from be parted from him or her. So, there are two factors here: one is just being parted, and the other is whether or not we experience unhappiness. Just being parted, by itself, doesn’t necessarily bring us unhappiness. This, I think, is the important issue. It’s not that when we become liberated, we will always have what we like and want.
Participant: I remember one of the things we said is that we are happy because we think we need this thing to be happy and that one way to deal with being parted from it is to recognize that we don’t actually need this thing to be happy.
Dr. Berzin: What we discussed last time is relevant here as well – that we become unhappy when we are parted from what we like or want because we think that we need it, which, maybe, we don’t. But there are some things that we do need, like social contact, food, air, water, etc. That point was brought up last time as well.
Why Will We Always Be Parted from What We Like?
I’d like to focus on being parted from something that we like. Why is it that, no matter what, we are going to be parted from what we like? What’s the reason for that?
Impermanence
Participant: It’s because everything that’s made of parts will come to an end.
Dr. Berzin: Impermanence, basically – that everything that arises from causes and conditions will cease to be when those causes and conditions are no longer there to sustain it.
Participant: So, the thing or the person from which I’m parted was one reason why I felt happy or comfortable. So, when I am parted, the reason to feel happy is gone.
Dr. Berzin: So, when you were with them, they brought you happiness, but when they were no longer with you, you felt unhappy because you didn’t have that source of happiness. But of course, that happiness is the suffering of change.
Participant: Still, there was a reason to feel happy, and now it’s gone.
Dr. Berzin: There was a reason to feel happy? Well, yes. But maybe you didn’t feel happy every second that you were with this person. Probably not. That also is a very important thing to analyze: What is the cause for feeling happy? Is the cause for feeling happy being with another person? No!
The cause for being happy, from a Buddhist point of view, is previous constructive behavior. Being with this person just provided a circumstance for the karmic potentials to feel happy to ripen. However, being with this person would not necessarily act as a circumstance for others to feel happy. Also, being with this person doesn’t always act as a circumstance for the potentials to feel happy to ripen. And on top of that, many, many other things are happening in our lives. They, too, act as circumstances for the potentials to feel happy or unhappy to ripen. So, it’s very important to deconstruct this feeling that “being with this person makes me happy.” Think about that.
[meditation]
Being with a certain person may, in fact, sometimes act as a circumstance for us to feel happy. We are not denying that. However, it’s not always going to. And then there are other things happening in our lives.
[meditation]
This is very important to understand, especially if we believe in the myth that we are going to meet the perfect person, the prince or princess on a white horse, and live happily ever after. That’s a myth that really needs to be deconstructed – indeed, smashed – because there is no such thing.
Participant: Or we think that we will be happy only when we have the next job or the next whatever.
Dr. Berzin: Right, or the perfect house, the new car, the latest electronic gadget.
Participant: But still, what I think rationally is one thing; how I behave is another. How I behave is, “Because this chocolate made me happy yesterday, it will make me happy again if I eat it now.” So, I grab it.
Dr. Berzin: Here we have a time lag happening. I ate a chocolate yesterday, and it acted as a circumstance for happiness to ripen. And because I conceive of the chocolate as being a true cause of happiness, I think that if I eat another chocolate today, it will continue to act as a true cause of happiness. It’s the same thing with meeting with my friend or being with my lover: I think it is the true cause of my happiness. Now, maybe there are some hormonal factors going on that make one feel good. But those don’t last either.
Participant: It’s also your body, if you think about it. It’s not the other person that makes you feel a certain way: it’s a chemical in your body.
Dr. Berzin: It’s a chemical in your body that is causing a certain physical sensation and the mental feeling that is associated with it. It’s true.
But there is one point that I want to make, which I don’t want to forget. It goes back to our topic, which is being parted from what we like. Why is it that we are parted from people that we like? Let’s go a little bit deeper than impermanence. Why is it?
“Winds of Karma”
Participant: It’s because of karma.
Dr. Berzin: Karma ripening – yes, that’s it.
So, what brought us together? It was some sort of “wind of karma” (las-kyi rlung), to use the image that comes from tantra. A wind of karma ripening from their side and from our side brought us together.
Now, what causes this impermanence? When the cause for us coming together is no longer present, no longer acting, then we won’t have the effect. So, certain winds of karma initially brought us together, but then there are going to be other winds of karma that ripen, both for this person and for us. It’s not that the initial karmic thing that brought us together continues to ripen over and over again. Now, certain karmic potentials do ripen over and over again, but there are other karmic potentials that are there as well. There are other things happening in the other person’s life and other things happening in our lives – so, impermanence: we will be parted.
Gungtang Rinpoche uses a very lovely image. He uses the image of leaves blowing in the wind. Sometimes the wind causes them to be together, but then, other times, the wind causes them to part. We are together only for a short time.
I like this image of the winds of karma affecting everybody that we know. What winds of karma are affecting them, even our own wife or husband? Well, there is their family and all the winds of karma that drive them in this and that direction because of what’s happening in their family. Even if I wanted to glue myself to this other person and blow in the wind with them in the sense of experiencing everything that’s happening with their family as well, there would still be all these other things happening in my family. Also, they have their work, and I have my work. Everything is constantly blowing us in different directions. This person has this or that like. I like to fly in airplanes; this person doesn’t like to fly in airplanes. So, then we have to compromise. Well, am I going to go along with them? Am I going to go along by myself? Our likes are different. The likes of any two people are different. Because of that, we will be parted from what we like. That is just part of the way things are.
Can We Avoid Suffering When Parted from What We Like?
The question is, do we necessarily have to suffer when we are parted from what we like? That’s the suffering that we are talking about here: feeling unhappy about being parted. The problem is not so much the fact of being parted. That’s always going to happen. The problem is how we consider things. Do we misconceive what it is that we like so much? And do we misconceive the fact that we’re going to have to be parted, which then causes us to suffer or to feel unhappy?
So, first of all, think about the winds of karma blowing everybody in different directions. Really try to work with that image.
You see, these winds of karma are not like the mental continuum. The mental continuum changes from moment to moment, but what sustains it – the cause and circumstance for it – is the previous moment of awareness. Because of that, it has no end. So, there are some changing, impermanent phenomena that go on forever because what generates them is constantly being renewed. But that is not the case with the things that we like. It’s no longer new: we liked it because it was new. It was the latest model. Now, one year later, it’s no longer the latest model; therefore, what made it so exciting and interesting is no longer the case. There are many examples like that we can think of.
So, first, let’s think about these winds of karma blowing everybody in different directions and, then, how we would avoid being unhappy about that.
[meditation]
OK, how do we avoid being unhappy about the fact that, due to our karma, we are all going in different directions?
Participant: I have the idea that how to avoid feeling unhappy might not be the question. We will feel unhappy because of the many ways in which we grasp at what we like. Because of that grasping, the karmic potentials to feel unhappy ripen. But maybe, when the potential to experience unhappiness ripens again, the idea would be to deal with it differently, like being more positive. It’s like what you always say: don’t make a big deal out of feeling unhappy.
Dr. Berzin: So, given that we are going to feel unhappy because we still have the karmic potentials to feel unhappy, what we can do on a provisional level when we are in a situation in which unhappiness arises is not to make a big deal out of feeling unhappy. “OK. I feel unhappy. What else is new? It’s no big deal, and it will pass.” Or we can look on the bright side. As we said before, there are always positive things now and other things that can happen in our lives and so on.
On a deeper level, though, what we need to do is to accept the reality of the situation. If we accept the reality of it, then we won’t feel so unhappy. And where all of this is leading is to “I have to gain liberation so that I will be rid of these karmic potentials that would make me feel unhappy.” That’s where this is all leading. And how do we get rid of those potentials? By accepting reality, seeing reality – in other words, focusing on the voidness of all of these things, seeing that they don’t solidly exist in the way we think they do and overcoming our incorrect consideration of impermanent things as being permanent.
Also, what I want to point out because it’s so common, is the futility, the uselessness, of thinking, “I want this person to go on ‘my trip’” – to use the colloquial English, meaning that we want them to be part of our lives and do everything that we do – or “I want to go on that person’s trip and to be part of everything that they do,” or “We’ll make it our trip.” Why are all of those futile, impossible?
Participant: Each one has his own karma?
Dr. Berzin: Everybody has their own karma. That’s right. “I want somebody to be my partner, and we’re going to share everything that we do.” But even if we did everything the same together, our feelings would be different, our likes would be different, our wants would be different. There is no way that we can merge with someone else, although, often, we would like to do that.
You seem a little bit puzzled.
Participant: You asked how we can avoid being unhappy when we are parted from someone we like. But if I look deeply, that’s something that I don’t want to avoid. That’s something I really have problems with about Buddhism.
Dr. Berzin: So, you want to feel unhappy?
Participant: It’s not that I want to go mad with unhappiness.
Dr. Berzin: You don’t want to go mad with unhappiness, but you could say that it’s healthy to feel sad, like in the case of my aunt who just died. It’s healthy to grieve and to feel sad.
Participant: OK, then, that’s fine. I misunderstood.
Dr. Berzin: This is why what Andreas said is relevant. On a provisional level, we realize that, OK, the unhappiness is coming. We don’t make a big deal out of it. We still have the karmic potentials to experience unhappiness, and here is a circumstance for them to ripen, which, in my case, is that somebody that I was very close to and loved very much died. I don’t make a big deal out of it. I don’t have to whip myself and pull out my hair. But sure, it’s sad. So, if we feel sad, feel sad.
Is It Inhuman Not to Feel Sad When a Loved One Dies? What Does It Mean to Be Human?
Participant: But we feel sad not just on a provisional level. So, I ask myself, do I really aim for a state in which I wouldn’t feel unhappy or sad if someone for whom I cared passed away? And I think, no. Then I wouldn’t feel human anymore.
Dr. Berzin: Ah! This is a very good point. You’re saying that if you didn’t feel sad when somebody you were close to died, you wouldn’t feel human.
Well, when we are aiming for liberation, are we aiming to feel human? Or are we aiming to go beyond feeling human? This is a very interesting point, isn’t it? Becoming a liberated being or a Buddha means going beyond biology, going beyond being a human. We’ve been talking about all the sufferings of humans. So, what’s the point? It’s that we don’t want to be ordinary humans. Well, is that a goal that we would really like to aim for? You are saying, no, you wouldn’t. Well, very good. This is why we have to analyze the shortcomings of being a human and experiencing a human life, even if it’s a precious human life. And although we would want the vehicle of a precious human life in order to be able to help others, would we want the shortcomings that would ordinarily go with it – or can we have it without the shortcomings?
This is a difficult point. It really is. Is feeling human about having attachment? Obviously, that depends on what it means to feel human. I remember something my uncle said. He said that without all the ups and downs, life wouldn’t be interesting, that what makes life interesting are the ups and downs. Is this what we would call incorrect consideration? What is it? These are the real, nitty-gritty issues that we have to work with if we are going to work with the intermediate scope. Do we really want the Real-thing liberation? The Real-thing liberation is not something lite, not at all. Whether it is even possible is another issue.
Participant: So, being a liberated being is not to be confused with being an insensitive robot.
Dr. Berzin: Ah, very good! To be liberated doesn’t mean that one is an insensitive robot.
Participant: What would be the difference then?
Dr. Berzin: How would we respond to someone dying if we were liberated beings? Well, I remember being with His Holiness the Dalai Lama when his mother died. His Holiness was in the middle of a teaching in Bodh Gaya, and he announced that he had just heard that his mother had died. He asked everybody there to recite OM MANI PADME HUM and have thoughts of compassion for his mother in the bardo. So, everybody that was there – I forget for how long, maybe for five minutes or something – recited OM MANI PADME HUM. Did His Holiness feel sad? I don’t know. But he certainly didn’t take time out to mourn. He didn’t cancel the teaching.
It’s an interesting thing, I suppose, and something that I can share – I like to share my own experiences – which is how I responded to my aunt’s death. As I mentioned, I was very close to my aunt. I spoke with her every week. She was sort of like a substitute mother after my mother died. My mother died fifteen years ago. My aunt was quite a remarkable woman. I knew that she was dying and that for the last two years of her life, she had wanted to die. The quality of her life in the nursing home where she was living was quite awful. She was quite fortunate in that she lived up until the age of 97 with my uncle, who was 98 when he died. They had lived in their own home, although they had help with cleaning the house. It was extraordinary. But after my uncle died and she became unable to take care of herself, she went into a nursing home. The quality of her life really went down. She was unbelievably bored in this nursing home. She was quite an alert woman.
Anyway, she died. She had wanted to die; she had had enough. She got pneumonia and went into the hospital. She had no interest in eating, drinking or doing anything, nor was she able. It was quite clear that she was on her way out. So, she passed away. I heard about it yesterday morning in an email. What did I do? Well, I felt sad, but I have my work that I am doing. These days, I am correcting the spelling of Chinese, Tibetan, and Sanskrit names in Urdu. We have an Urdu section on my website and there are tremendous numbers of inconsistencies and spelling mistakes. Nobody else is able to do this work, so I have to do it. It’s pretty tedious type of work. I started to do it, but my mind kept going to my aunt and my memories of her. What I tend to do when I think of her is to recite OM MANI PADME HUM in my mind and to send loving thoughts to her and thoughts of “May you not be afraid,” in terms of what’s happening. This I learned from the experience of my mother passing away – that it’s very important not to consider the person as being an impersonal mental continuum that had been mentally labeled “my aunt” and that is now going on to something else. It’s much better, during the bardo period, to actually consider the person in terms of their previous identity and to relate to them in that way – if one actually believes in bardo existence.
Because my mind kept on going over to my aunt, I decided that I really wasn’t focused enough to continue with the Urdu spelling. So, I decided that since I needed to cook – I was out of food, and my habit is to cook an enormous pot of food that will last for weeks, portions of which I then freeze – this would be the perfect opportunity to go out food shopping and to spend the rest of the morning chopping vegetables and cooking. While doing that, I could think of my aunt and do mantras and so on. I wouldn’t have to be focused in the way that I have to be when working on Urdu spelling. By the time that was finished, I had basically digested that my aunt had died and no longer really felt sad. I can’t say that I felt strongly sad when I first heard that she had died because I knew how much she had wanted to die and how horrible the quality of her life had been. So, in a sense, I was happy for her.
Not Focusing on “Me” and “My Loss”
"But what is sad? One thinks, “What is sad?” So, I analyzed it. I’m Buddhist trained, so I analyze. Why would I feel sad? I would feel sad because of my loss. That’s grasping at and thinking of me. It’s not thinking of her; it’s thinking of me and my loss. “Oh, I don’t have my aunt anymore. There is no longer anyone from my mother’s generation. Those who are of my generation are now the old ones, and one of them, one cousin, has already died. So, we are next. I also don’t have the use of their home anymore…” I used to stay at their home when I went to America. There are all these sorts of things, but they’re all focused on me. So, if I didn’t grasp at me in terms of my loss, being parted from what I like, I wouldn’t suffer. I wouldn’t suffer because I wouldn’t be focused on my loss.
This, I think, is the source of the suffering of being parted from what we like. It’s grasping at “me.” “Poor me, my loss.” OK, I am not a liberated being, so there is a little bit of suffering, a little bit of sorrow that comes up. But it’s not so strong because instead of focusing on my loss, I focus on what would be of help to my aunt in the bardo and think how much inspiration I have gained from her, from her example.
So, we think how much we have gained from the person rather than what we have lost. Of course, we lose. I have lost my aunt. But I haven’t lost what I have gained from her, unless I have an incorrect consideration, thinking that what I have gained is lost by her not continuing to give it. But she does continue to give it, the inspiration. Why? Because the cause no longer exists at the time of the effect. So, of course, now I’m experiencing the effect: the inspiration. Does she have to continue doing something to continue to inspire me? Well, maybe she would have done new things that would have inspired me, but the old things that she did were plenty inspiring.
This is the way that I’ve been dealing with the loss. So, is this not being human?
Participant: I suppose you are not liberated yet.
Dr. Berzin: I am certainly not liberated yet.
Participant: So, how you deal with it sounds OK.
Dr. Berzin: I gave myself the morning to grieve – but not grieving by tearing my hair out, crying in bed and stuff like that.
Participant: I think that’s an easier one, though, because she was already old and wanted to die. And you were prepared. But I think of people who have a really hard time – for instance, when a mother loses a child in an accident.
Dr. Berzin: It’s much more difficult. Yes, you’re absolutely right. This was an easy example because she was 99-years-old and sick and wanted to die. She had a terrible quality of life at that age. But as you said, when a mother suddenly loses a child, or something like that, it’s much more difficult.
I think of another example. A year and a half ago, my very close friend Alan Turner died. He was 55. He was in perfect health. He was taking a shower and had a heart attack. He dropped dead in the shower, just like that. That was more of a shock. I certainly felt a stronger sadness, I suppose because it was very unexpected. With my aunt’s death, it was very expected. But one has to deal with it in a similar way. We give ourselves a certain amount of room to grieve, and of course, everybody grieves in different ways. But we don’t make it into something so horrible. To analyze, what is it that we are unhappy about? If what we are unhappy about is my loss – that’s something that we can work on from a Dharma point of view.
Now, what was sad with Alan’s passing away was that he had done so much tantra practice. He was one of the strongest practitioners that I knew. He had done all this meditation, rehearsing what happens at the time of death – the dissolution of elements and all of that. He had no opportunity to do that: he just dropped dead. That was sad. One can only imagine that the force of all the practice that he had done would have carried him through and that it wasn’t necessary for him to actually do the meditation during the process of dying.
So, yes, it’s much worse when the death is unexpected. It’s even worse when we are really, really attached to the other person. And being really attached to the other person is all about me, me, me.
Let’s say a young person dies. We think, “What a waste of a precious human life. They could have done much more.” That’s sad. So, I think that if we are going to feel sad, and if we are going to approach the loss of a loved one from a Dharma point of view and try to make the experience less awful, we need to feel sad about something appropriate, rather than “poor me.” I think. I don’t know. What do you think?
Participant: I was thinking that if I am sad about someone else, I am not sure that my sadness would be helpful to anyone.
Dr. Berzin: That’s absolutely right. To feel sad, even for somebody else – let’s say, because of a lost opportunity that they had – is not helpful to anybody.
Participant: If I keep on being sad when somebody is gone, I won’t be able to continue to be inspired by this person. And if this person is still there but is suffering, and I keep suffering, suffering, suffering, I won’t be able to help this person.
Dr. Berzin: Absolutely. That’s totally correct. We prevent ourselves from continuing to be inspired by that person as long as we are feeling sad. And when a loved one is still alive and is suffering, our feeling so sad and horrible because they are suffering certainly doesn’t help the person. Nor does it allow us to be of any help to them because we are too involved with “poor me” and “I’m so unhappy.” You are absolutely right. That is why, to be able to actually help others, we have to gain liberation – which doesn’t mean, as Jorge said, that we become feeling-less robots. We still have love, we still have compassion, we still have warmth, we still have sympathy. We have all these sorts of things.
Participant: Yes. That’s what I was thinking. As you said and as you say always, we feel, but we don’t over-feel. We need to have human feelings to be able to be motivated to do things, but we shouldn’t be attached to those feelings. As you said, if I didn’t feel compassion, how would I want to help anyone?
Dr. Berzin: So, it comes down to what it means to be human.
Participant: Compassion isn’t necessarily exclusive to humans.
Dr. Berzin: Well, animals have the compassion to take care of their young. That’s an instinct.
Participant: A Buddha would have compassion as well.
Dr. Berzin: A Buddha would have that as well.
What you were saying, though, is that, sure, we have feelings, but the point is not to be attached to them. That’s absolutely the case. This comes back to what Andreas said: Even when we are still experiencing the ripening of karma – so, we feel unhappy – we try not to make a big deal out of it, which I think is what you were saying as well. Don’t make a big deal out of whatever we are feeling. We feel it. OK, now what? Is it going to be an obstacle? Is it going to be a help?
Participant: It reminds me of the juice story that you told last week: We’re out of orange juice. So, OK, accept it.
Dr. Berzin: Right. We have a coupon to get a free orange juice, but there is no more orange juice in the machine. So, what are we going to do? Are we going to smash the machine and shoot the person who’s at the cash register? Or do we just accept the fact that there is no more, that it’s all sold out?
It’s an interesting phenomenon, one we all must have experienced: We go to take the U-Bahn, the underground here, and just as we are going down the stairs, the train pulls out. So, we’ve missed it. What do we feel? Usually, we feel quite frustrated and angry. It’s not so easy to accept, “OK, no big deal. I’ll just get the next train.” In theory, these things sound very nice; in practice, they are not so easy. Not so easy.
Being parted from what we like. As we said the last time, we like everything to be under our control. And that can’t be.
Being Parted from Our Spiritual Teachers
Participant: You speak about people that we love and being separated from them. But I'm wondering, what about our spiritual teachers and being separated from them in different circumstances?
Dr. Berzin: There are several circumstances for being parted from our spiritual teachers. One is being separated while they are still alive; the other is being separated because they have died.
When they are still alive, I think it’s very important to realize that the spiritual teacher is not there just for me. Let’s say we have a spiritual teacher who is one of these big-name lamas who has thousands of disciples all over the world. Well, do we want to be selfish and have that person just for me, me, me all the time? Even if we travel with them and go with them as an attendant, as I did with Serkong Rinpoche, we are still not with them all the time. They give time to other people and are involved in doing other things; therefore, we have to be parted. In those circumstances, we think, “Well, how wonderful that other people are able to benefit as well. It’s not just for me.”
When the teacher dies, as my teacher Serkong Rinpoche did – in fact, a number of my teachers have died – in many ways, one feels closer to them. Why? Because when we are only geographically apart, we think, “Well, I could see them again.” So, we feel we are being deprived of something. However, when they are dead, we can have them much more easily in our minds and have all their teachings and examples internalized because we don’t have the hope anymore that “well, they happen to be in Nepal or India, but they’ll be back.”
So, is it sad? Yes, I felt very sad when Serkong Rinpoche died. But I went to Geshe Ngawang Dhargey. Geshe Ngawang Dhargey was one of my other teachers. I had just heard that Serkong Rinpoche had died, so I went up the hill to Rinpoche’s house to ask, “Is it for real?” I couldn’t believe it. Serkong Rinpoche died in Spiti. He wasn’t in Dharamsala. I had just seen him in Spiti a couple of weeks before, and I had taken him to a doctor before that for a physical checkup. He was in perfect health. Anyway, I went, I found out that, yes, he had died. So, I walked back down the hill, and I stopped at Geshe Ngawang Dhargey’s house. In a sense, I wanted some comfort, but I also wanted to ask him if he had heard.
Anyway, I got to his house. He was having lunch with some other people, some Tibetans. They were, as Tibetans do when they eat, laughing and joking and having a good time. I went into the room, and Geshe Ngawang Dhargey said, “Just sit over there. We’ll finish our meal.” So, I sat while they were finishing their meal. Afterwards, he turned to me and said, “What is it?” I said, “Have you heard that Serkong Rinpoche passed away, that he died?” (Serkong Rinpoche had also been one of Geshe Ngawang Dhargey’s teachers). Then he said, “Well, yes…” and then he started to list all the teachers that he had had who had died. He said, “This one has died, that one has died, this other one has died, and now Serkong Rinpoche has died. Everybody dies.” There was no pat on the head, no “Oh, how horrible,” and so on. Life goes on. I found that a very powerful teaching from him. Very, very powerful. Did he feel sad? I don’t know. He certainly didn’t manifest it. Don’t get me wrong, he wasn’t wildly laughing and joking. He was just having a normal Tibetan meal, doing what Tibetans do when they get together.
These are not easy issues. But I think the point here, since we are doing the intermediate scope and the aim is to gain liberation, is to redefine what it means to be human. Are we thinking of being a samsaric human or a liberated human – being a liberated being in human form as opposed to a samsaric being who currently has a human rebirth and is experiencing all the drawbacks that come along with samsara? To be human in a liberated sense includes all the positive emotions, it includes helping others, it includes all sorts of positive things. What it doesn’t include are the disturbing emotions, the destructive behaviors, the ignorance, the sufferings of unhappiness and ordinary happiness, etc. OK?
That was the shortcoming or suffering of being parted from what we like. Obviously, we could go into further detail, but I think that’s enough. We can go on to the next one next time.